Losing my virginity at 34

(Home, May 19 2007)

I thought I understood how to make love. But Love was, what I was scared of.

Love was being abused by me in ignorance. When I first met him I teased and played. It's a childs game and it's fun. I had my routine I guess. The first time I made love to him I remember so well. I was shocked. Trembeling because not only did he enter my body but he pierced through my heart as well. Little did I know, that this was a little taste of things to come...

I thought I understood about love making or at least how to arouse a man and how to sexually get engaged. Studying all reactions of pleasure and stored it in my book of love making.

This morning I woke up, Love grabbed me, opening doors I had closed so long ago.
For some time I could feel that something was lacking in our love life. Nothing serious but I could not put my finger on it. For a while I could feel a faint call from my heart as if it wanted to say : Hello!!! remember me?

I am a sexual being and love to express it fully and in abundance. Always eager and hungry for the meltdown when two cores meet. I could drown myself in it and lose it completely. This was maybe what was happening right now. Lost in routine. Not there with conciousness. It is so tricky how my ego whispers in my ear: just keep going, no questions asked. It's so sneeky how the mind lulls me to sleep in times when I should be wide awake!

Also television is a killer and not only the sexual display in a fashion that you think that this is what it's all about. Television makes up your mind for you. It defines your taste and feeling of quality. Everybody is effected by it. If we look at a sexual scene it secretly 'educates' us.There is nothing wrong with looking at movies like porn, but before you know it, you adopt a way of love making that is defenitly not your own. But even making making love in a pornographic kind of way can be Tantric too! It just depends on the heart connection. If your hearts are engaged or not.

I made love like that for centuries not engaging my heart in any way.

As you grow up you tend to protect your Self. As a child against bullies, as an adolescent against opinions, judgements, as you grow older against insecurities. But you enter this world as a heart. Beating and blossoming in it's fullness of Trust and Compassion. But better to protect the naive heart from pain... and this is how the heart get a shield. You develop a protection device. But you are not fully alive. And every echo of Trust, of Joy without care, your heart wants to jump out of the cage you built. Wanting to burst open with Love. But you decide it is not safe and tame the heart from a wild young playfull animal into a domistic little miauw. This is how we live our lives; with a tamed heart. Afraid of its power, afraid of overwhelming and running away with you. Sometimes the wild, untamed extacy would come up to take a peep... but because of it's overwhelming power it makes me feel powerless. It makes me feel so vulnerable, naked and without any control. Who is this naked, defenseless girl? I don't know her or even don't think I want to know her...Best to keep it hidden and stached away safely.

So I started hiding in manners and patterns. The first time I made Love was this morning. I am no longer a virgin at 34 years old. Yesterday I decided to stop my manners and patterns in love making. My heart got set free, a chance to shine and create!

This morning he held me. He held me in the moment. Not letting me turn away. Not letting me look away. In that grip tears flodded down my face. Not able to hold anything back I cried and cried. Oh no! We are making love and I look a complete mess! I was falling from a cliff with nothing to hang on to. He kissed me so intensly, loving me. He was inside of me, taking me to a place I had never been before. My nose was running, my eyes got puffy and he held me. Slowly surrendering I held him. Not a chance to turn away, no chance to hide, no chance to feel anything but the moment. This completion. Love flodded down my face and Love held me in that grip from where there is no escape. Just surrender and follow our untamed hearts. He was inside of me, unconditionally making Love to me. I thought I could not take it but still he held me. I looked Love in the eye and welcomed it into every cell of my being. My face, red as a tomato, nothing romantic about that, but Love held me in this nakedness. We were praying in this void, this unknown place where miracles happen. Finally I met that girl, that vulnerable Goddess Child, loving her too. Thanking God.

This morning I witnessed the death of the ego, the part of myself that wants to keep me small. There is a growing sense of freedom as I leave behind old patterns and ways of life that no longer serve me. The change brings with it the potential for a deeper sense of commitment within our relationship. A great expansion, which is the result of focusing on my heart energy.

I feel as if I now can grow wings, and fly to new and undreamed of heights of bliss. To fully access the areas of inner mystery within myself.